Thirteen Reasons for Life
by Ruffles of Awesomeness
Summary: I didn't die that night... I didn't die, but the tapes still made their rounds as I intended. Now it's time to reap the consequences of what I've done and look for "Thirteen" Reasons for Life - not just mine, either. This is Hannah Baker, and this is the story of how I lived.
1. A Metaphor

_A/N: This is something new I wanted to look into. I haven't read Thirteen Reasons Why, yet, but I saw the show last year and have had this in my head for awhile. Enjoy and hope for more - And thank you for the support. I am a Civil Engineering Major and don't tend to have the time to read, let alone write._

* * *

Red. It's a color that I wouldn't have ever hated. It's a lingering color or lies, deceit, pain that I thought I was done with. It's the blood that I saw spill from my veins as I realized I couldn't live with this truth that was my life. My truth. My truth is that I never meant for all of this to happen. I wanted it over, while the reasons lingered. While the people who were behind the cause sat with what they did and were able to wallow in self-pity like I had done for so long. It was almost revenge, almost because I wouldn't have to see it. They'd have to live with what they've done, I'd be dead. Too much for that idea, I guess. I get to live with what I've done and watch what I caused. I get to drown in red.


	2. Chapter 1: An Awakening

_A/N: Okay, so I wanted to start doing a few new things with this piece._

 _First, I would like to thank all of you for your patience when all I was able to post was an extremely vague prologue - if it counts as such. I've had a very difficult month and a half and hadn't had the time to write anything, although I did have ideas._

 _Second, chapters may be awhile at times. As I've said before I am in college, so that tends to take precedence over my writing, sadly._

 _Finally, I appreciate any feedback - constructive or no - on any of my writing as the goal is to progressively improve._

 _Enjoy! xoxo_

* * *

 _It's over. It has to be. I passed out a long time ago, how could I not be dead? I can't be dead. Everything is blurry, maybe it's that white light I'm supposed to see as I cross over? No. I'm not dead. There's too much going on around me for this to be death… and I can feel everything. I'm staring at a ceiling light in a hospital, there's cold air rushing through my nose, voices around me – I'm alive. I'm alive. Clay will be happy to know…. Unless he got the tapes – THE TAPES!_ "Clay!" I pulled away from the comfort of the hospital bed under me, sitting upright, a panic spreading through my body before my mother gently pushed me back down, fixing the oxygen tube about my face.

"Clay just left a moment ago, both he and your father will be back in a minute, sweetheart. You need to rest." I blinked, clearing my vision before looking at my mother. She looked like she hadn't slept in days, worry permanently etched into her face. Her hand took mine as she placed herself back into the seat next to me that she had probably been living in for however long I'd been here. I looked around the plain hospital room, the walls a seafoam green with a few chairs and a small sofa, all littered with my parents' belongings. Different types of flowers, mostly roses by the looks of it, were spread throughout the room. _How cliché…These people really don't know me._ A vase of chrysanthemums sat on the small counter opposite my hospital bed. The tingling of pins and needles radiated from my wrists, wrapped in white gauze that was slightly stained with blood. Was it fresh? Was it the remanence of what I had done, whenever I had done it? I couldn't tell, and I laid my head back, tears rushing into my eyes. _How long had it been since this happened? I should hurt more, shouldn't I? I mean, I cut my wrists open. I opened up a piece of my body and I probably scared the shit out of my family and friend._

"Mom… I'm so sorry… I shouldn't have done this, put you and dad in this situation. I'm so sorry." Tears ran down my face and I lifted my arms to examine the damage I had done. "This isn't what I meant to happen." I felt her shift closer to me, placing her forehead against my cheek. _This is her saying she forgives me. She's not ready for this discussion yet, but she believes that I'm sorry._ I nodded, understanding, and calmed myself down. "How long has it been? How long have I been here? How long have you been here?" I had so many questions but avoiding them seemed to be the best option as I noticed my mom holding her own tears back.

She sat up and took a deep breath before smiling small at me. "It's been about a month, sweetheart, the doctors had you in a medically induced coma to help you heal, but now's not the time for this. Give yourself time to rest some more before we jump into anything, there's a lot you're going to need to know." She squeezed Hannah's hand lightly as she let sleep take over, once again.

 _The thirteen reasons I tried to kill myself stood around me in a halo of shadow. 'Look what you've done, Hannah.' They took a step closer and I tried to pull away, but my feet were held fast to the darkness that was now spreading around me, coming closer with each step the reasons took toward me. 'You forgot the fourteenth reason, Hannah. Yourself. You could have stopped yourself from doing all of this.' They continued to step closer, growing larger, their expressions meaner with each step – hate glowing red in their eyes. 'YOU CAUSED ALL OF THIS!" A chant began to ring around me as they took another step – 'you caused this. You caused this.' I screamed as they over-came me, pulling me deeper into the darkness – all the while chanting._

Hannah's eyes shot open, sweat beading her forehead as she came down from the sudden panic she was in. _Just a nightmare. It's the meds, Hannah, calm down._ She looked around the same small hospital room she had been in earlier, her parents were talking with a doctor and Clay sat in the chair next to her hospital bed, listening silently to the update on Hannah's condition. "Hey, Helmet." Everyone's focus shot to where Hannah rested, relief taking over the room.

"I think with that, I'll be leaving Mrs. and Mr. Baker. We'll talk more when she's had something to eat." Hannah's doctor smiled small at the weary girl and walked out, closing the door behind her.

"Hannah…" Clay stepped forward and sat on the edge of her hospital bed, smiling small. "How are you feeling?" Hannah took in the sight of him. A collage of yellows and purples coated his face with the occasional cut – swelling pulling away from the handsome that was his face, although worry was still in his face as it always seemed to be.

Hannah sat up, scooting as close to him as her wiring would allow her. "How am I feeling? What happened to you, Helmet?" Clay chuckled and kissed Hannah's forehead, earning a look of confusion from the groggy girl. "No, seriously, what did you do…?"

Clay shook his head and looked down at his hands clearing his throat before glancing at Hannah's parents, receiving a nod of approval before sighing. "I listened to the tapes, Hannah…" Hannah's stared at him in horror as he kept silent, looking her in the eye. _Of course, he's listened to them. Tony was supposed to make sure each person got them. And if he's willing to talk, the means my parents know about them, too. Perfect._ "I looked in to most of what you talked about… including what Bryce did to you…" Hannah shot a look at her parents who were holding each other's hands, watching Hannah with careful eyes. _What Bryce did to me… and Jessica, and who knows who else._

"Well, spill it, Helmet. What did you do?" Hanna reached up to touch his face and sighed. "Something stupid by the looks of it…" Clay nodded and took her hand, pulling it away from the bruising.

"Stupid is accurate. I went to his house, pretending to buy drugs and got him to confess… this," he motioned toward his face, "along with some other things happened during said conversation. But I got him to confess to raping you and Jessica." Hannah shook her head and looked down at her hands. _This is my fault. If I hadn't left those damned tapes._ "But there is good news. The police took the tapes and all the photos Tyler took as evidence for a pending case against Liberty High. This whole thing will most likely be going to trial because you documented it all – against Bryce, against the school. All of it. You will get the justice you were looking for that day you tried to tell Mr. Porter and told everyone else in the tapes." Hannah nodded, taking in the news, but still pulling her thoughts away from Clay's words. _Justice… is that even what I wanted? Is that what this is…?_


	3. Chapter 2: Day 1 - Make and Entrance

_A/N: So! A big thank you to those of you who commented and read the last chapter!_

 _Shout out to Evane: I realize I seriously shortened the timeline to something that seems impossible, but I wanted to move this along and I wasn't really considering the way Clay moved through the tapes let alone the others, and I think you were right to point that out. I've reviewed the chapter and the book and changed the timeline in the chapter._

"What do you mean she's coming back, today? After everything that's happened?" Jessica pulled her coat tighter around herself and sighed. "This is going to be bad." The whole school had been a mess since Hannah's attempted suicide; posters and lectures about how 'suicide is not the answer' and 'there are programs to help you if you need it' were now a common sight around campus. "I mean, she realizes the damage she's done and the lies that are going around because of her, right? And what is going to happen to her, now? The whole school thinks she did this because 'Bryce rejected her.' They don't know what he did and whatever pushed her to the edge is only going to get worse…and the lawsuit, this whole thing makes me uneasy."

"It wasn't all lies – it was her truth, it wasn't just her that decorated the suicide awareness walls, either, and we all know that." Alex fiddled with his cane as he gazed into the hall, pulling Jessica away from her thoughts. "At least you guys can remember everything that happened."

"Alex… It's better you don't remember. Whatever it was that pushed you to the edge is better forgotten, I can't lose you like that." Jessica took his hand and smiled small. "We just got you back, no sad attitudes, okay?"

"Yeah, man, who knows, maybe we can talk to Hannah anyway. See if she's down to talk and maybe fix things. We know now that her side of the story was something that really hurt her, but she needs to know we hurt too if she's going to understand the damage the tapes did." Jessica nodded and squeezed Alex's hand. "You'll be fine bro. You've got us."

Jessica let go of Alex, focusing hard on what would happen throughout the school day. "She's going to need someone, too. Other than Clay, I mean. He follows her around like a puppy, but until recently he wasn't really the confrontational type. She needs friends." All three of them nodded in agreement before gathering their things at the sound of the entrance bell, Alex, continuing to stare off into the distance.

Alex sighed and stood up when he caught the sight of a mess of bright curly hair getting twisted up by the wind. "She's here."

* * *

 _Okay, just…breathe. Everything will be okay. School's only going to suck until the house is sold and you can get out of this hellhole. The state is the only reason you're here. It's only temporary, it's only temporary…._ Hannah felt like she couldn't breathe the air around her was closing in as she took each step closer to the entrance, choking her. Conversation seemed to lull and almost stop completely as she entered the hall and sped to her locker. _Only temporary._ She could feel the stress sting her wrists and tears began to well in her eyes. "Hannah!" A sigh of relief escaped when she felt Clay's hands on her arm, "Just breathe, you'll be okay. I got my schedule changed so we have all our classes together. You won't be alone, okay?" Hannah nodded and took a deep breath.

"All of this is crazy suffocating, Clay. It was a bad idea to come back." She pulled her books out of her locker when she heard whispers behind her.

 _"_ _Yeah, apparently Bryce rejected her."_

 _"_ _I can't believe she's here."_

 _"_ _After everything she did you think she would've at least been successful."_

Hannah felt her face begin to heat up and she slammed her locker, turning around and facing the gossiping crowd. "Yes, I'm back. Yes, I did something dumb. No, Bryce didn't 'reject' me. If you have something to say, say it, otherwise STEP OFF." She spun on her heel toward the direction of her class, followed by Clay who was trying to calm her down.

"You can't let them get to you. This is only temporary, remember?" Hannah nodded and took a deep breath. _You would think those tapes would have set things right, but it's just more lies that are around me._

"I thought you got a confession out of Bryce." Hannah sat down in the back of her History class and began to twist her hair between her fingers, "does the school not know?" Clay shook his head. "And he's still here?" Clay nodded and sighed. "I should have stayed home today." Hannah looked around the classroom and noticed the stares were all ready starting to die off, letting her wallow in self-misery in peace. The teacher walked in and gave her a small smile before setting up for class. _Okay, only temporary, only temporary, only temporary._ She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, calming herself – "Only temporary."

"What's only temporary." _Zach… Oh god, Zach._ Hannah opened her eyes and focused her attention to the desk on her left, meeting Zach Dempsey's big brown eyes and small smile. _Please don't hate me… I'm sorry for the tapes…_ Zach smiled wider and took her hand. "Hannah, it's all good, okay? Obviously, we need to talk, but I'm not mad about anything. I'm worried." His sincerity made Hannah smile for the first time that morning as she nodded. "And I'm not the only one." Alex and Jessica took seats in front of her and faced her before the tardy bell rang. "we're all here for you, but we all need to talk. There's a lot you need to know and a lot we need to fix." Hannah nodded and mouthed an apology to all of them, tears welling in her eyes.

"Told you, you wouldn't be alone." Clay cut in before class started, forcing yet another smile onto Hannah's face.

* * *

"You don't even look at her wrong, got it? We let this situation any worse just because you're butthurt. If I hear her name come out of your mouth, suspended. If you talk to her, suspended. If you approach her or her friends in class, suspended, and I will make sure you never get another season here for any sport, period. Understand?" Bryce nodded and looked down at his hands. "This is her first day back and things are going to be difficult for everyone involved. Keep everything about her out of your mind. Now, get to class." Mr. Porter eyed the teen as he jumbled his things together and stalked out of his office. "I know what you are, boy…"


End file.
